Yeah, I know Spartak/Benfica has already started, but I already had the predictions down on the UEFA match predictor, so you’ll just have to take my word for it.
I am dreading today, by the way. For matchdays 1 and 2, I killed on the groups A-D day. Like, I got multiple scorelines right, I got almost all of who-scored-firsts right, I walked away with a lot of points. And then I killed that lovely record with the E-H day, because apparently I’m incompetent at predicting groups E-H.
It’s already started, by the way.
Spartak Moscow v. Benfica
Predicted scoreline: 1-2
First score: Benfica
So originally, I was actually predicted this to turn out as 2-1, with Spartak scoring first. Then this morning I double guessed myself and switched it around to 1-2 with Benfica scoring first. The game has 30 minutes left, and at this point, my original guess was spot on.
Barcelona v. Celtic
Predicted scoreline: 3-1
First score: Celtic
Okay, so I don’t actually think that Celtic will score first, but that’s what I put on the UEFA predictor. I’ll get 11 points if Barcelona do and 89 if Celtic do. Seriously, the 11 points just aren’t worth it. If the payout is going to be less than 15 or 20 points, I go with the other answer, just because they’re right often enough that it’s worth it.
Anyway. Worried about this. Barcelona’s defense is awful, and there’s still no Pique, and Busquets is suspended. I guess now we might really see Bartra play, unless Tito decides Cesc’s true calling is to be a CB or something. I guess Pique went from forward to CB, maybe Cesc can make the same kind of transition.
Not that I want a backline of Pique and Cesc. I think Puyol would probably leap from the stands and literally kill them for throwing sunflower seeds at approaching forwards.
BATE v. Valencia
Predicted scoreline: 1-3
First score: Valencia
I hope this turns out right. Valencia need this win to stay in it, and I need them to move on in the competition. Europa was good to them last year in terms of their coefficient, but it’s time to play with the big boys and get some real money, too.
By the way, Valencia would have been in the first pot and therefore not stuck in a group with Bayern fucking Munich if those Chelsea assholes hadn’t sacrificed a goat or something to an evil demon or whatever it was that they did to win, because then they wouldn’t have qualified and there would have been an extra place and Valencia wouldn’t have missed out by .159 on not being in a group with Bayern fucking Munich.
Yes. I am angry and bitter. What? Anyway, time for Valencia to get their first win away from home. You can do it, guys.
Nordsjælland v. Juventus
Predicted scoreline: 0-3
First scorer: Nordsjælland
Yeah, I know, that doesn’t make sense. Again, Juventus would get me 16 points, Nordsjælland 84. For serious, Juventus will score first. I’ll be very surprised if they don’t.
Shakhtar Donetsk v. Chelsea
Predicted scoreline: 1-1
First scorer: Chelsea
Not much to say here, other than that I would love to see Chelsea in Europa and then get knocked out by Levante or Hannover or somebody in the R32. Jerks.
Galatasaray v. CFR 1907 Cluj
Predicted scoreline: 2-1
First scorer: Galatasaray
I have no idea. I just felt I needed to predict something.
Lille v. Bayern Munich
Predicted scoreline: 0-3
First scorer: Bayern Munich
This was borderline, but guessing Bayern scoring first got me 23 points, and that’s enough to be worthwhile. Whatever happened against BATE was a one-off. I’m confident that they’ll win this.
So they’ll probably lose it 10-2 or something ridiculous. Just to prove the entire world wrong. Fun fact about UEFA’s match predictor: it doesn’t allow double digits. I just tried it.
Manchester United v. Braga
Predicted scoreline: 3-0
First scorer: Braga
Again: 81 points versus 19. It’s worth it, even if it looks wacky. Seriously, I expect United to score first. And to keep scoring. Because, well, they’re Manchester United. Come on.